The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.“
Witless New York City Mayor Eric Witless Adams, who made history in January of last year by becoming the city’s first entirely witless black mayor since David Dinkins, has announced his new witless plan to control the city’s swiftly spreading plague of shoplifting by not controlling the city’s swiftly spreading plague of shoplifting. The plan — entitled the Witless Plan to Stop Shoplifting by Not Stopping Shoplifting — includes such witless innovations as giving first-time offenders intervention programs instead of prosecution, and installing kiosks in stores that would connect thieves with social service programs. Mayor Adams announced the plan to reporters in order to distract them while his aides stole their cameras, microphones, and other expensive equipment.
Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, Klavan, you colossal cascade of curmudgeonly comedy, only you could dream up a Democrat response to crime so insanely ineffective it causes us to laugh ho-ho-ho like Santa Claus right up until the moment we’re gunned down by six youths speeding by in a Trans Am who are then charged with misdemeanor reckless driving and released without bail so they can get back to their day job, which is shoplifting.”
But no, I am not making this up. Mayor Witless called the new witless anti-shoplifting Plan a crackdown, possibly because he was downing crack when he designed the plan. The plan includes giving store employees de-escalation training. And you may ask: what the flying fiddle-de-de is de-escalation training, and how will it not stop shoplifting? Good question. Shoplifting de-escalation training trains store employees so that whenever they see a shoplifter, they get on the escalator and de-escalate to the basement until shoplifters are finished cleaning out the first floor. When the shoplifters leave, the store employees can re-escalate to the first floor and relax by standing in the break room because all the chairs have been shoplifted.
The Witless Plan also includes installing kiosks that connect thieves with social service programs, so the thieves can contact the programs and say, “Hey, look at this cool new kiosk I put up in my apartment after I shoplifted it from the store.”
Another part of the Witless Plan — and I’m still not making any of this up, by the way, so help me — is to establish neighborhood retail watch groups so neighbors can get together and watch retail stores get shoplifted, which is cheaper than going to the movies, so you can use the money you save to buy some t-shirts, which have all been shoplifted, so you can save even more money.
The Witless Plan to Stop Shoplifting by Not Stopping Shoplifting has already been so effective in Not Stopping Shoplifting that witless Mayor Witless is planning to introduce another witless plan to not stop murders. Portions of the plan have already been leaked to reporters by inscribing the details on the sides of bullets and then firing into a crowd of reporters. The Witless Murder Plan includes a new Buddy System in which New Yorkers travel in pairs so that when someone witnesses a murder he can turn to his buddy and say, “Hey, look, that guy just got murdered.” There will also be kiosks erected on street corners where you can apply for a New Buddy when your last Buddy got murdered and you have no one to tell about it.
Witless Mayor Witless says he eventually hopes to put all his witless anti-crime crackdown plans together into one big crackdown plan that will crack down on all crimes by not cracking down on any crimes at all. Under the new Witless Umbrella Anti-Crime Crime Plan, criminals will be able to rob a store, kill a passerby, and assault multiple women and then bring all those crimes to one kiosk and contact an all-purpose social worker, beat him senseless, and steal his wallet. Left-wing critics of the mayor say this plan puts an undue burden on criminals by forcing them to steal wallets when they don’t need wallets because they can shoplift things for free.
Though some people have criticized witless Mayor Witless’s witless plan because it’s witless, Billionaire Evildoer George Soros says he endorses the plan, because he’s evil. Journalists immediately attacked Soros for saying Soros was evil, accusing Soros of being antisemitic, although they praised him for being evil, because they’re evil.
Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.